Guys, yesterday…was a day….that I had…
Children did not nap. One child is teething. Everyone had tears.
There were lots of wonderful, beautiful, happy moments yesterday, but overall, it was not one of our better days.
When I feel like I let someone down, I like to shop. My love language is gift giving, so I usually look for things I can buy for the person I feel like I hurt in order to show them love. This is not to be confused with trying to get someone to like me, etc. I’m a big fan of knowing your love language and also your Gallup strengths, but that’s for another day.
Anyways, so as I was scrolling through my girls’ amazon wish lists to see if there were any huge price drops on things, I also checked mine, the standard routine scan for good deals. While looking through mine, I realized that most of it was clothing or music stuff. Then I started crying. I got a guitar for Christmas last year from my awesome brother, and have played it maybe 5 times in the last year. This is so hard for me to admit. I feel guilty that I am not an awesome guitar player already.
I had a baby in March and also have a toddler and a preschooler, so I try to be gentle with myself when I feel like I should’ve done more, should’ve done better. Well, more accurately, I know I need to be gentle with myself because I am a person who struggles with perfectionism, lists and being “enough”. Easier said than done.
My husband got me a new keyboard about a month ago, and I haven’t had time to use it yet. As I write this, part of me says, “you are literally home every single day, how in the world could you not have time to learn something new?” or “you have time to write” or “you have time to be on Facebook, you could be using that time to learn Ableton and also how to play the guitar”. Rationally, I know that I can’t complete everything I want to finish. I know that I can’t do all the things. That doesn’t change the fact that I still want to do everything, and do it well. I struggle with perfectionism and for a really long time truly believed that sleep was a giant waste of time. I could be so much more productive if I didn’t need sleep. I’m still working on that, because I desperately need sleep ALL THE TIME.
So as I was scrolling, looking at the music stuff, I just cried wondering if I would ever get to use it if I owned it. I called my husband, who had just finished working (he’s traveling this week), and he tried to reassure me that this phase of always serving small people who can sometimes seem like dictators doesn’t last forever. This didn’t help. I cried more, saying “so basically in 10 years, I can expect to use tools that I thought were awesome…10 years ago…”. I also cried because I desperately love my small people and felt guilty that I was so frustrated that they wanted so much of me.
I understand that the time goes by so quickly and I should enjoy my time with these sweet small hearts. I am still in the struggle of this. I don’t have a solution. I’m trying to be my own person, but I’m not completely sure what that looks like sometimes. I have heard suggestions like, “put your kids in daycare/school for one day a week” or “hire a mothers helper/babysitter” so you get some time to do your own things. For starters, these both require extra money, and a baby who takes a bottle. I have also heard the idea of finding another mom who wants to trade babysitting. Please see my previous post about me and other people. Lastly, I know moms who do these things. They normally use that “free time” to clean the house, or grocery shop, or complete things on their list of “things to do”. I would do that. Or I would take a nap. I certainly wouldn’t spend time producing music.
So there’s my struggle. It’s been my struggle for a long time. I don’t have an answer, but I’m trying not to run away from acknowledging that it’s a thing I am dealing with. When I feel like I need to keep something quiet, when I don’t want other people to know what I’m wrestling with, that’s when I know I need to write about it, because shame can’t handle having words wrapped around it. Love you guys.