I tried to be in the moment, it’s not for me

So I just finished the book the Conscious Parent.  It’s a really good book, with quotes like

“When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.”

and

“It’s no surprise we fail to tune into our children’s essence. How can we listen to them, when so many of us barely listen to ourselves? How can we feel their spirit and hear the beat of their heart if we can’t do this in our own life?”

So after finishing it, I was inspired to be more “at peace” and “in the moment”- you know, all the trendy buzzwords for this year.  You know what happened?  I became kind of a jerk.  I was trying so hard to “live my life”, I couldn’t just actually live my life.  I spent so much time trying to be loving, to enjoy the “simple things in life”- I wanted to enjoy things like the smell of waffles cooking and the feeling of the sun on my face.  Instead of enjoying those things naturally, it was like I spent every moment trying to enjoy things.  My thoughts were literally, “I need to be present with my children.  Am I being present?  Am I allowed to think about dinner if I’m trying to be in the moment? I’m hungry.  If I get up to get some food, am I ruining this moment with my children? I think I’m supposed to keep my mind calm, I’m not totally sure that’s possible…..no, it’s not…so…oh my gosh I need food…or water…I need some water.  Can I get water?  I think I might be overthinking this…”

Essentially, I was trying so hard to enjoy this one life that I have, to not waste any moments, to take in all the wonderful seconds with my children- that I wasn’t actually enjoying ANYTHING.  I was just really annoyed…about EVERYTHING.

So I let that nonsense go.  When I let that go, I let go of trying to feel a certain way about an experience.  I let go of pushing myself to feel things that I didn’t naturally feel in that moment.  To be clear, I love the smell of waffles.  I love the feeling of the sun on my face. What I do not love, is trying to love things because I feel like I’m not experiencing those moments enough.

Before you say something like “enjoy EVERY moment”, “cherish your life”, “don’t let life pass you by”- maybe pause…and just don’t.  We talk entirely too much. We give too much advice.  Maybe stop with the motivational meme’s, quotes, moments.  It’s okay to let moments just be, because forcing feelings of gratitude can lead to resentment.  Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to say nothing, even if you really, really want to offer your opinion.  I realize that I’m giving advice when I say,”don’t give advice”.  I completely understand that, and I am at peace with myself for this decision.

So I’m over, “enjoying every moment of my life”- that is way too stressful.  I would rather be authentic, and besides, when I try to “choose joy”- it works for like 15 minutes before I want to punch something- so, that’s really a lose lose for everyone.  I think I’ll just keep being me, trying new things, figuring out what works, starting over when necessary, and writing to set myself free.  So far, so good.

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