Goodbye, little shoes 

We finally found a house to rent! Great news- we get to move again. Actual great news- we will have a yard!!

Tonight, I started going through boxes from storage.

One of the first ones I opened was the box of baby clothing. The next one was maternity clothing.  

I broke down crying, unable to even go through the baby clothing- I told Steve to just put it in the donate pile because I don’t want to go through it. 

I have such a weird mix of huge feelings. 

I don’t want to be pregnant again. I hate being pregnant.  

It’s not socially acceptable to say that. I know so many people who desperately want a baby. People who say things like, “I would give anything to have a baby”. I sound ungrateful or like I don’t understand, but that’s not it. I don’t regret being pregnant, and I’m thankful for my children, and part of me really wants another baby. I still do not want to be pregnant again.  

For me, pregnancy is terrible. I throw up from about week 6 until I am holding my baby in my arms. I get incredibly anemic, my migraines are out of control, and my depressive tendencies go into overdrive.

So while I don’t want to grow another baby, there’s something so sad, so final, about letting go of little tiny shoes (that were probably never worn because why do babies need shoes??).  

I have no problems letting go of other things- for example, a ball that rolls around the floor on its own and shouts, “play with me!!!” when unattended. 
 Baby clothes were harder to let go of than I imagined. 

 I could keep them and make a quilt, or something else along those lines, but I would rather give them to someone else who can use them. 
These emotions were so unexpected. I am ready to be done with newborns, but moving on is harder than I anticipated. I guess it always is.  

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